August 2nd, 2011 → 1:03 am @ admin
SAFE AND SECURE
One aspect of healing is sharing. Then embracing the relevant feedback and re-framing a thought, idea, philosophy so that positive change can re-wire a negative behavior.
For those of you who know me best, you understand that I share within boundaries. I rarely tell too much in an effort to protect. Expanding my boundaries to reveal more of who I am as a result of my past is an arduous task. How vulnerable do I make myself? Do my friends really want to experience a life that is so conflicted, in pain and guided by chaos?
I ask myself these questions daily, unfairly projecting my answers onto you. I share this note with you because I have been attending group therapy here in LA in an effort to pacify my internal demons. I moved thousands of miles from Ohio to find peace within the tranquil and serene existence of Southern California. The next step in the healing process is to rely on the good nature of those who do not share in my past and subsequent present.
A step in finding peace is to reach out to those of you closest to me and ask for your insight, your stories, and your existence as a blueprint of hope for me. Knowing your experience will possibly re-wire the genetic stamp that abuse has placed on my neurological development is the hope I have in writing this note.
I am going to share a reality with you that is common amongst all people, abused or not.
As children, we all have psychosocial development that lays the foundation for human interaction for the remainder of your life.
Stage one of this development occurs between birth and one year of age and is the most fundamental stage in our existence.
Because an infant is utterly dependent on its caregivers, the development of trust is based on the dependability and quality of that child’s parents.
If a child successfully develops trust, he or she will feel safe and secure in this world.
What an extremely profound statement. A child who feels safe and secure can enjoy life and the pleasures provided by it. That same child will reciprocate the love and nurturing that it is provided. In short, the child will mirror the virtuous actions of the caregivers. Living in a safe and secure world is taken for granted by many, but should be mindfully recognized daily.
What qualities mark a dependable and loving caregiver?
Caregivers who are consistent, emotionally available, and loving will provide the lifetime of trust with that child. And subsequently, allow that completely dependent baby to feel safe and secure.
For those of you who are parents, shower your little ones with love. Provide them with consistent, loving parenting. You have the power to establish great things in your child’s development. Do your best to maximize their growth, both physically and mentally.
What if trust isn’t manufactured during the early stages of development and feelings of safety and security are not present?
If a child does not feel safe, that child cannot relax. They exist in a hyper-vigilant state. They are always on guard, scanning their environment for danger. Anxiety levels are always high and normal emotional development does not occur.
Unfortunately, this hyper-vigilant state and the subsequent anxiety and stress follow that individual throughout their life. Additionally, because the necessary love needed to establish safety does not exist internally, external avenues to achieve security will control that person.
I grew up in an unsafe environment. Living in chaos, concerned when the next beating would occur, has plagued my emotional growth my entire life.
Ironically, resulting from my abusive past is my desire to re-create a chaotic state so that I now have the ability to control the outcome. (Confused? Ya, me too.)
As a child, I was beaten, but couldn’t fight back. Chaos is all I knew and my developmental stages as a child spawned from this chaotic state. Because of this foundation, chaos still dominates my existence. The difference now being that I have the physical tools to potentially control the outcome.
I have the physical strength, the necessary fighting capability, and the state of being to gain control over my environment so that I can feel safe and secure. In short, I seek out danger to establish safety and security.
Does that process make much sense? Absolutely not. But as an ultimate fighter, the only time I felt at peace was when those cage doors closed and I was able to manufacture my own level of safety and security by my actions.
It has taken me many years and a tremendous amount of reading and therapy to realize this twisted reality. I obviously cannot continue to manufacture safety out of violence for my remaining days.
So I am asking you to please provide me with your input regarding your own past, or present, and your current interactions with your own children. This window of peace outside of my own reality will begin to reshape the thoughts and actions that currently dominate my development.
I will read your words and attempt to live vicariously through them in an effort to re-wire my personal belief that safety and security can only be achieved by re-living my past.
You have the opportunity to provide me with that absent feeling of safety and security. For that, I am truly thankful for each and every one of you and your amazing friendship.
Thank you kindly for your help.
Todd
August 2nd, 2011 → 1:00 am @ admin
“My house is in the hills above Trujillo. A very simple place. Pink stones that warm in the sun. A kitchen garden that smells of herbs in the day… jasmine in the evening. Through the gate is a giant poplar. Figs, apples, pears. The soil, black. Black like my wife’s hair. Grapes on the south slopes, olives on the north. Wild ponies play near my house. They tease my son. He wants to be one.”
Maximus speaking to Marcus Aurelius
Gladiator, 2000
Please read that excerpt again. Take time to visualize the words. Begin to view the hills, the pink stones, the garden. Take a deep breath and smell the herbs and jasmine. Envision the home surrounded by life and vitality. Now, please visualize your home growing up. Begin to experience a morning when you arose to the smell of breakfast. Picture yourself exiting your bedroom and walking into the warm embrace of your parents. Feel the hugs shared as you begin another day under the protection and stability of your family’s home. Begin to mouth the dialogue between you and your siblings as you create an agenda for the day. Allow yourself the opportunity to embrace all of your senses as your mind recreates your youth. Take in every sight, sound, smell and tactile experience. Mindfully revisit these wonderful, blessed familiarities.
One of the true paradigms of human kind is to prevent jealousy and symbiotically appreciate the blessings of another. If a person is capable of preventing this reflexive resentment, then we all can share in the warmth and compassion that is the foundation of a home. With that said, please stop reading this note and go hug your parents. Take them into your arms and squeeze tightly. Say thank you to them for all that they have done. Thank them for their guidance. Thank them for their support. Thank them for their love. As your parents stare blankly at you wondering if you are experimenting with pharmaceuticals, let them know that you appreciate the life they have provided you. Tell them that they have made a difference and that you are the man or woman today because of what they taught you in your past. Do this for me so that I too will experience this bond forged that is the backbone of each family.
As I sit here with a tear rolling down my cheek, I am not saddened by what I have never had. Nor am I saddened by what I may never experience. I am not saddened at all, actually. These tears are symbols of appreciation for those of you who have allowed me to experience the true essence of a family and live, albeit vicariously, in a home. I have shared holidays, birthdays, get-togethers, or family functions with some of you. Proudly and humbly I say, thank you. During these blessed times, unbeknownst to most of you, I allowed myself to absorb the love that is shared amongst your family members. In all actuality, I stole some of that love (shhh! That was a secret). I wanted to genuinely fill up my being with an experience that I have rarely felt. Now that you are aware of my covert operation, I only ask that you continue to place smiles on your family member’s faces and embrace this time you have. Allow yourself to engage in deep conversations. Witness the passion and understanding between your grandparents. Provide your parents with the hugs and kisses they deserve. I ask you this because I too want to experience all of that the next time I am in your home. I too want to recreate the visualization of a home with implicit detail as Maximus has done. If you do this, not only will you be helping a friend, but you will be providing the 16,000,000 other people just like me who know not what it means to live in a home. You will be making a difference. Todd
July 28th, 2011 → 1:36 am @ admin
ARE PEOPLE INHERINTLY GOOD?
I don’t believe that people are inherently good. I also don’t believe that people are inherently evil either. Rather, I believe that people have an internal moral compass which guides them through life navigating the paths of righteousness or through the vast abyss of misguided judgments.
The variable is that most people are self-serving. As Darwin stated, the strongest survive and the weak perish at the feet of the evolved. It is not our fault that we are inherently selfish. At a young age, we learn to cry when we want something. If that desire is not fulfilled, we cry harder. We continue to perform this action until we either receive the desired effect or we are taught an alternate behavior which does not place our gratification first. Human evolution is rooted in self-fulfillment. To be strong, one must make decisions which better their own life; who should I date? Who are my friends? Which college should I attend? What job should I pursue? All of life’s questions are not cognitively answered. Logic does not always guide us towards the correct decision. Your decision on which path to choose is influenced by your friends, family, environment, personal experiences and such. Regardless of how you come to your final conclusion, the end result may ultimately benefit you as a person. This end decision and the steps to this result, tests a person’s character.
Wikipedia defines character as “a variety of attributes including the existence or lack of virtues such as integrity, courage, fortitude, and loyalty, or of good behaviors and habits.”
The United States Air Force Academy further defines character as “the sum of those qualities that stimulates a person to do the right thing, which is manifested through right and proper actions despite internal or external pressures to the contrary.”
So what does all this mean? I believe that the ability to do right or to do wrong is not inherent. It is influenced by friends, family, environment, personal experiences, etc. The over-riding inherent factor is that most people are self-serving. It is a genetic predisposition grounded in the principles of Charles Darwin and the “Evolution of the Species.” If a person is genetically predisposed to better their life, at times at the expense of others, what enables a person to do the right thing even if that action is not self-serving? How does someone become altruistic with their convictions and place their priorities secondary? That answer lies in that person’s character. A person with a strong character chooses right because they know the end result benefits others. These qualities that develop a strong character are built from youth and serve as a person’s blueprint for their decisions in life.
A person’s character is more valuable than any material good. Character is more valuable than a house, a car, land, personal possessions or the size of a bank account. In short, a person’s character is priceless. It is the benchmark to judge one’s worth on this Earth. How do you want your legacy remembered? What is your character worth? Does your moral compass point north towards eternal salvation or south towards moral conflict?
July 26th, 2011 → 8:50 am @ admin
“I’m sorry I have to say it but you look like you’re sad
Your smile is gone, I noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little’s enough”
- Angels and Airways “A Little’s Enough”
“You seemed sad.” Three seemingly innocent words written together with tremendous impact. You seemed sad. For a person to sense genuine sadness, sadness must be present. I illustrate this point because recently a friend of mine asked me that question. “Are you sad?”
I hide my sadness from the world. I do not portray nor do I share periods of sadness with others. Like so many other challenges in my life, I bury the sadness deep down inside within the recesses of my being. Why do I do this? Perhaps it is a defense mechanism. As a victim, one learns to develop self-preservation skills to survive in this world. Or, maybe I have convinced myself that managing my issues internally will prevent any more sadness? I cannot be hurt any further by tackling my issues alone, right? My growth towards managing sadness is always evolving. The causes for my sadness are consistently random, yet always present. In this case, one cause of my sadness stems from the fact that we are approaching holiday season.
Wikipedia describes the holidays as a 2 – 4 month festive period from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day. This season contains many traditions including gift giving, family get-togethers, religious services and parties (www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_and_holiday_season November 5, 2009). My experience of the holiday season is entirely different than Wikipedia’s definition. Growing up, my holidays consisted of avoiding beatings and attempting to find some level of comfort in the fact that January was right around the corner and the hypocrisy that exuded in my household would soon come to an end. Sharing in the warmth of a hug or the comfort of my parent’s arms was never present. The root values of a holiday season that creates the atmosphere of this festive occasion did not exist. Unfortunately, the primitive feelings associated with my experience of the holidays are the foundation for my current feelings towards this time. Abuse places a neurological stamp on my DNA. I cannot shed these feelings and remove these thoughts. They are a part of my psyche. One way to manage the holidays is to share in the enjoyment with friends. Friends are my surrogate family. They provide me with the ability to enjoy and appreciate what true holidays would be like. A smile, a hug, a warming feeling; genuine emotions shared amongst loving families strengthening their familial bond. I can share in this bond and revel in what the holidays should be like.
“You seemed sad.” Again, three innocent words with tremendous impact. Am I sad? Sure I am. Being alone in this world is a stifling and suffocating feeling. A surrogate family can only do so much. Loneliness still overshadows the magic of the holidays. And like 16,000,000 Americans who are victims of child abuse, the holidays remain to be a challenging time of searching for peace and happiness. If you did not grow up a victim, please cherish each and every day of your life and thank those around you who have made your holidays so special. Remember the hours of family love you’ve shared and the feelings of warmth, love, and togetherness. And please never forget that so many Americans, potentially your peers or someone you may know, do not share in your common memories of this time. Don’t ever forget the love you have been provided and the love that you can give.